Charges were brought against the cast of Fair City at the weekend on Fashion Crimes 1 and Conspiracy to Offend the Eyes of the Public. These very serious charges were initiated by The United Nations of People Against Irish Televisual Fashion. After months of campaigning, UNAITF had successfully brought a comprehensive and watertight case to the High Courts. Their campaign cited heinous misuse of patterns, widespread trend negligence, willfully obscure shapes, repetition, excessive use of cheap, animal-print materials and a dependency on in-house charity shop materials.

A spokesperson from UNAITF said that the group were relieved after years of protest and that the victory was the first step in raising awareness about the failings of Irish TV fashion. Comparing Fair City to the slate of UK soaps, Penelope MacFabric observed that UK characters tend overall to be more attuned to trends and use current TV and magazines as reference points; something that Fair City fails to do, she added. MacFabric also noted that there have been reported incidences of Post Fair City Binge Shopping; a phenomenon in which women between 18 and 35 engage in high octane shopping sprees immediately after programming in an apparent attempt to relieve the trauma of watching Fair City. Such acts are inflating our credit culture and leaving Irish women more and more despondent, MacFabric says. The case will go to courts next month and expected outcomes include obligatory trending forecasts, a research report on actual Irish fashion, community liaison with Irish fashion magazines Prudence, Image and Stellar and an annual trip to London Fashion Week. ‘We the people of Ireland are entitled to a fair and accurate sartorial representation on screen, it is our duty to eradicate the Fugly stereotypes of Irish Fashion’ says MacFabric.

In related news, Katie Price, AKA Jordan, was reprimanded in the UK for aiding and abetting the blackmarket fake tan industry, in which natural swamps in the rain-forest are being depleted for their murky consistency and mahogany colouring.