tis my first day back in work and something is Not Quite Right. i can’t specify, other than to delete by process of elimination. it’s not that the office is baltic cold and you need thermal underwear to brace the bathroom. it’s not that the holiday period was simply too short and that i feel more stressed than rested. it’s not that my to-do list is already 50 lines long (that’s just my personal one) and i have no diary. it’s something else. something far more sinister. it’s that i have not done any sales shopping. to some, this might seem ridiculous, but to others (me) sales shopping represents the (my) single great revolt against the overwhelming machinations of the fashion industry. for it is here that i duck and dive, pounce and plunder, ripping the beating heart from the giant sartorial monster. i like to sniff out all the clothing pieces paraded around only weeks before at inflated prices and brandish them proudly like a well-heeled robin hood with their slashed tags of 30, 50 and sometimes even 75%. i like to size up the pieces that will work well next year, laughing my way into next season with a bounty of goods. take that Big Fashion Empire, i have outsmarted you once again.
except this time, i haven’t. a combination of festive factors resulted in this sales-free-scenario – not enough time, not enough money, not enough sobriety. and so, here i sit, at work, empty handed, all alone. with my high-speed broadband internet access and a rising feeling of panic, i flick through sites rapidly, only breezily contemplating the discount, the value, the price-per-wear. as we speak, i am trying to convince myself that i need these Ash Brown Thelma Buckle Ankle Boots – reduced from £135 to £94. despite the fact (1) they are not practical for my 20-min walk to work, (2) i just bought a pair of ankle boots and (3) they cost more than i might pay for non-sale shoes, i must have them. do i need the gold lurex bandeau bikini? it is D&G Dolce and Gabbana and i don’t have a D&G bikini, and in fact i don’t have a gold bikini. does it really matter that i have no sun holidays booked? or that when i do, they generally require being covered up in a wetsuit? or what about the Matthew Williamson dress? i don’t really like Matthew Williamson but the Guardian fashion section recommends it as a sales bargain. and it is £397.50 (from £795). and then, those mustard tights in Topshop are only a snip at £1, and those gold bunny ears – £5.00 down from £18.00. what would i do with them? who cares? im beating the system aren’t i? or am i? my sense of perspective has been distorted because i didn’t get my actual january sales hit and now i am contemplating gold lamé bunny ears. there is a moral in there somewhere right?

the Apocalypse is coming, shoes will be the next great bartering tool

Everyone must have a gold lamé bikini, musn't they?

If I have this dress, I will look like her

Mustard tights are nice. Mustard tights are nice. Repeat 10 times

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